What is therapy really all about?

If you are thinking about getting a therapist, or if someone has recommended it to you, you may not know what to really expect. 

When they think of therapy, most people think about meeting with a stranger to talk about things that are very personal and sensitive. 

These are some of the questions you may be asking yourself:

• Why spend the time and money to talk to a stranger when your friend will talk to you for free?

• How could somebody help you by just talking to you about your problems?

• Why would you talk to a therapist about how to deal with issues in your life? Can’t you just learn coping skills by reading a self-help book?

• Will your therapist try to get you to blame your parents for your problems? 

• Do you really need therapy if you just get anxious about life stressors sometimes? Doesn’t everyone get stressed out and frustrated with people in their lives?

• What if nothing is really wrong in your life but you just feel depressed for no reason? How could a therapist help with that?

• How do you know if things are bad enough for you to need professional help? 

Those are a lot of questions, and I think many people have asked at least one or two of those. In this blog entry, I’ll try to give you some answers. I am listing everything in bullet point form because I think it makes it easier to read, but the answers don’t match the questions above exactly. It’s just information.

• Therapy is not just about talking to someone who doesn’t judge you. That’s only a part of it. 

• Pretty early on, you will have to identify some goals and objectives. You have to answer the question, “why are you in therapy?” Most people usually know that they want to feel better, but they don’t know anything beyond that. That’s okay. You can start there.

• Your therapist is trained to help you make sense of what’s going on inside of you; it’s not just chatting, even if it seems like that sometimes.

• One way to think of therapy is like taking a class, but the subject is yourself. 

This is what your therapist knows:

• All of us have blind spots. We don’t know what we don’t know. 

• Even if your depression or anxiety seems to come out of nowhere, it doesn’t come out of nowhere. There is a rhyme and reason to what happens in each one of us. We just don’t always know it or understand it.

• We all get stuck in patterns and tend to do the same thing over and over again. 

• If you already know what you need to do, but you don’t do it, your therapist knows that it’s not because you’re stubborn, or difficult, or bad. If you’re stuck, there is a reason. And once you understand the reason, you will become unstuck.

There is a quote I enjoy from Alice in Wonderland: “I give myself such good advice, but very seldom follow it.” That probably rings very true. 

• A good therapist will teach you how to be caring and compassionate towards yourself and how to accept all parts of yourself -- even those that you might want to deny or get rid of. 

• A good therapist knows that you can’t get rid of a part of yourself. Instead of finding a way to get rid of your sadness, fear, anxiety, anger, or whatever other unacceptable feeling you’re experiencing, you will learn to acknowledge and accept that feeling. It is there to tell you something and maybe even teach you something. 

• Good therapy is not about blame -- towards yourself or others. You can honor your pain, tell your story, and even acknowledge strong feelings, without having to vilify someone. 

• One of the goals of therapy is to help you find connections and to have loved ones in your life. It is about rebuilding and improving relationships, not blaming people or cutting them out of your life.

• Sometimes people do decide to distance themselves from family members or friends who have hurt them. Your therapist will help you think through those decisions so that you don’t take them lightly. 

• We all have wounds that need to heal -- some bigger and some smaller. It is possible to heal; it’s not just about ‘coping’ or ‘getting over’ things.

• When you meet with your therapist, notice if you feel that he or she “gets” you. It’s important to feel that your therapist understands what you’re talking about, or at least is truly trying to understand, without judgment.

• The therapist is not the authority on you -- you are. The therapist’s job is to help you see things that you are not always aware of, but what he/she is saying needs to make sense to you.

In summary, good therapy will truly help you grow and heal. It’s not just talking. If you’re thinking about it, give it a chance. And if you have a bad experience, give it another chance, and another chance -- you will find the right therapist for you. 

And when you do, it will make all the difference in the world!