What is Internal Family Systems (IFS)?

IFS was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. If you want to read about Dr. Schwartz and watch a video where he describes IFS, you can go to this link: https://ifs-institute.com/about-us/richard-c-schwartz-phd

Below is my description and outline of IFS that will hopefully give you some more clarity about what it is and how it works. 

In his poem, Song of Myself, American poet Walt Whitman wrote --

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

It is this idea that is fundamental to IFS -- we all contain multitudes!

If you think about it, we all find ourselves having internal debates. For example, a part of you wants pizza for dinner, but another part has decided to stay away from starchy foods after 3:00pm. Or, a part of you wants to see your friends, but another part feels too anxious to leave the house. 

More often than not, there are multiple parts of ourselves pulling us in different directions. For example, if you have had an argument with a good friend, a part of you might be very angry. Another part might be sad about the rift in the friendship. Yet another part might be anxious or panicked about the possibility of losing this friend. If you have a hard time with confrontation, a part of you might tell you to just forget about the argument altogether and not let yourself have any feelings about it. In that case, you might  either cut that friend out of your life, or you might let some time go by and then talk to that friend like nothing happened. The part of you that was angry might make passive-aggressive comments occasionally.

Through listening to dozens and dozens of stories, Dr. Schwartz saw these patterns and began to create a therapeutic modality that would allow people to get to know their different parts. Getting to truly know and understand each part of yourself allows you to help parts that are unhappy in their roles and are maybe doing things they don’t even want to do. For example, a part of you that always gets angry whenever you’re driving might be tired of getting so angry every time. And yet, the part can’t seem to stop -- the anger just bubbles up. 

Using IFS, you would understand not just what your parts are doing but also why they keep doing things that don’t work or that are even bad for you. 

Doing parts work starts with The Self. Let’s explain a bit more what Self is in IFS.

The Self -- this is what you might think of as the best version of yourself. It is a state of being that opens your heart and allows you to look at all your feelings, thoughts, behaviors, flaws, and successes without any judgment or agenda. It allows you to just be and to accept yourself, just as you are.

Through IFS therapy, we work to help people get access to the Self and be Self-led.

The Self has many qualities, that we refer to as "C words" since they all begin with the letter "c."

Here is a list of those qualities --

1. Calmness

2. Curiosity

3. Compassion

4. Confidence

5. Courage

6. Clarity

7. Connectedness

8. Creativity

The Self accepts all parts of oneself as good and worthy of compassion.

The Self energy is often lost, however, because we have all had experiences that have injured us in various ways. We have all experienced "little-t" traumas and many people have experienced horrendous "Big-T" traumas. These are experiences to which we've had to learn to adapt, often starting in childhood, when we didn't have good coping skills or a clear understanding of the world around us.

There are three types of parts in IFS. Usually, these parts are “stuck” in a certain role or carrying a certain mental/emotional burden. And this stuck-ness creates suffering or at the very least discomfort. The three types of parts are: Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles. 

We’ll start with the Exiles first.

Exiled parts

What happens in response to trauma is that we "exile" parts of ourselves that we don't know how to deal with or that we find unacceptable.

Here is an example of an Exile -

A part that is very sad: You might have grown up in a family where being sad was unacceptable. If something hurt your feelings of made you unhappy, you were told "to get over it" or "stop whining." You might have been given the message that it's weak to cry. You might have been told to "be grateful for the good things in your life" and "not focus on the negative." As a result, when you felt sad, you had to learn pretty quickly to hide it and not show it to anyone.

If you showed it, you might be ignored, ridiculed, criticized, or punished. None of these feel good, so it feels safer to just pretend not to get sad.

But getting sad is a normal part of life. It cannot be helped. No matter how hard we try, when sad things happen to us, we feel sad. Even something that seems small, like not getting those new shoes that all the "cool kids" are buying, can make a kid sad. And that in itself is not bad -- a kid is not bad, selfish, or spoiled if that makes them sad; it's a normal reaction to not getting what you want. And the thing is, if we just offered some care and compassion (using Self energy) and made room for the sadness, the sadness would come and go, just like any other feeling. That kid would be sad for a little while, and then adjust and move on.

Unfortunately, many times, kids get the message that being sad about certain things is unacceptable or shameful. So, the part that still holds that sadness, becomes an Exile. It gets locked away and then becomes hidden, even to the person who had the feeling.

A frightened child part:

In cases when people have experienced abuse or other "Big-T" traumas, the Exiled parts could also be frightened parts. They are parts that hold memories that are too painful to think about. For example, if you have been a parentified child (child who takes on the role of the parent) who had to see a parent hurt or abused, parts of you probably still hold deep sadness and fear related to what you saw and experienced. If you were abused, there is likely a part of you that holds the terror of those experiences, as well as the pain that you had to endure.

In order to function in daily life, in a world with little compassion or support, you have had to "exile" parts of yourself that feel those intense feelings. There is usually a sense of unease -- you know something inside of you doesn't feel good. But you would never let yourself "go there" because it would be too overwhelming and painful. So, the parts that still have those feelings remain hidden, "exiled."

Again, these are parts that people feel cannot be expressed because they believe that the consequences would be even more painful than the feeling itself.

Protective parts: Managers and Firefighters

It takes work to hide the Exiles. These parts hold some big feelings and the feelings get stuck if we don't express them. And, we still have to go through our daily lives, go to school, have jobs, interact with people, and so on. To help us manage all that, parts of us become Managers or Firefighters and take over.

Managers --

An example of a Manager is a perfectionist part. That part works hard to make no mistakes so that there will never be any criticism or rejection, which could trigger feelings of sadness, fear, shame, or guilt. Then, the picture you are showing to the world is that of a person who has it all together and is not 'weak' or sad.

Another example of a Manager is a part that criticizes you. That part keeps reminding you that you're screwing up all the time so that you are prepared for any criticism from the outside. If you are always putting yourself down, you already don't expect to be praised or accepted.

A part that develops an addiction, of any kind (alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, etc.) can also be a Manager. That part works hard to keep you looking away from any pain or distress. And of course, the more the addictive Manager takes over, the more reason you have to use that Manager because feelings of guilt and shame grow in the background. And there are more Exiled parts that you're trying to look away from. So the addicted part stays active, often for years.

Firefighters --

Along with Managers, Firefighters are considered protective parts. Unlike Managers, Firefighters react very quickly and often can get extreme.

A Firefighter part responds to something that feels like an emergency. It comes up when it seems like the Exiled part will overwhelm you and break through the "put together" exterior. Firefighter parts often don't care anymore about how you appear to people -- they are just focused on "extinguishing" the pain, fear, or distress you're feeling.

An example of a Firefighter part is a part with explosive anger. Someone who is afraid of being seen as vulnerable or weak, might become overwhelmed if someone says or does something to make them feel inferior. So, that person might become out of control angry and say things that are very hurtful and destructive, or even become physically violent.

Another example of a Firefighter part would be a suicidal part. Someone with severe trauma whose Exiled parts are getting triggered, might feel that death would be better than facing those Exiles. So, a suicidal part can take over and take an extreme action.

Through IFS therapy, we slowly and gently get to know all the different parts, with no judgment towards any of them. There are no bad parts -- even parts that seem to do 'bad' things or that seem to cause you problems have good intentions and good reasons for doing what they do. Sometimes a part's behavior seems completely illogical. However, all it takes is to really slow down, bring in Self energy, and ask that part of you what it's trying to do. People are amazed, over and over again, at how parts explain what's going on, and suddenly it makes sense.

The goal of IFS therapy is to help you get to know and free the Exiles without becoming overwhelmed. We also help Managers and Firefighters relax as we show them that the Exiles don't need to be hidden or protected anymore. The Self is present and can handle and accept all feelings.

I hope this information has been helpful and given you a clearer understanding of IFS.