More info from "Attached," by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

(https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/)

In Attached, Levine and Heller discuss how attachment styles affect our relationships, focusing primarily on romantic relationships. 

The authors review the research that has been done on attachment, and identify three primary styles of attachment: 

• Anxious

• Avoidant 

• Secure

This is a longer description of each style:

• Anxious attachment style

  • You love being close and intimate with your romantic partner

  • You worry that your partner may not want to be as close to you as you would like them to be.

  • Thinking about your relationships takes up a large portion of your emotional and mental energy.

  • You are very sensitive to fluctuations in your partner’s mood -- you notice any small change pretty quickly.

  • Your perception of your partner’s mood is accurate most of the time, but you tend to take every mood shift personally, even if it has nothing to do with you.

  • You tend to get easily upset and sometimes say things that you later regret.

  • When you are in a relationship with someone who sends you mixed messages, you can become overwhelmed with anxiety and frustration.

  • When you are in a relationship with someone who is generally calm and who reassures you, you can be pretty content and positive.

• Avoidant attachment style

  • You see your independence as extremely important, and are very sensitive to anyone encroaching on your space.

  • You enjoy being self-sufficient and prefer to rely only on yourself.

  • Even though you want to be close to others, you get uncomfortable if your partner seems to get too close. You tend to keep others at arm’s length.

  • You don’t spend much time thinking about your relationships.

  • Your partners often say that you are distant or that you don’t open up.

  • You are on high alert for any behavior from your partner that might seem to threaten your independence.

• Secure attachment style

  • You feel comfortable in a warm and loving relationship. 

  • You enjoy being intimate with your partner.

  • You don’t spend a lot of time worrying about your relationships. 

  • You find it easy to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner, and are open when they do the same.

  • You are usually very perceptive and attuned to your partner’s feelings, but don’t get overly concerned or take things personally without knowing the full story.

  • You feel comfortable asking for help when you’re struggling, and you find it easy to be there for your partner if they need help.

If you go to this website: https://web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl, you can take a test that will show you where you fall on the spectrum of anxiousness and avoidance in intimate relationships. 

Part Two of the book

In the second part of Attached, the writers look at how attachment styles affect people in their everyday lives.

Findings show that people with an anxious attachment style often tend to get attracted to people with an avoidant attachment style. These relationships can become very tense because one member of the couple is constantly seeking closeness, while the other is seeking space and pulling away. 

The attraction often happens because both members of the couple are stuck in a self-fulfilling prophecy that confirms their view of themselves and of the world. Anxiously attached individuals tend to worry that they’re not good enough and that they might be abandoned or rejected. Avoidant individuals worry that others will constantly get too close and encroach on their personal space. And, in these relationships, that’s exactly what happens. The anxiously-attached person feels rejected when their partner doesn’t return phone calls or cancels plans at the last minute. And the avoidant person feels frustrated when their partner keeps asking for more of their time or keeps trying to get closer.

Levine & Heller describe how a person can become convinced that they are in love when in fact they just have an activated attachment system. An anxiously attached person can become overwhelmed with worry when their avoidant partner sends mixed messages or becomes unavailable with no explanation. They will wonder what they did wrong, try to make sense of the mixed messages, analyze each interaction, word, or phrase, desperate to make it better again. Then, suddenly, the avoidant partner who seemed disinterested or unavailable will do something loving or caring that seems to clear all the fear and doubts away. The anxious partner will feel elated. But, unfortunately, as closeness increases, so does the avoidant partner’s discomfort, so they will soon start to become unavailable and unresponsive again. And the cycle will repeat.

Someone might mistake the activated attachment system for love. But, in fact, if you find yourself getting anxious, insecure, and obsessive in a relationship, chasing the occasional moments of connection and attention, you have an activated attachment system. You are not in love. 

Levine & Heller write: “True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind.” 

Two of the most well-known researchers on attachment, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, both talk about the importance of a "secure base" that people need in order to grow and thrive.

The type of relationship that will give you that "secure base" is one where you are not wondering about where you stand with your partner. You would automatically know and believe that you are loved and cared for.

***More info from Attached to come in future blog posts***