How to help a loved one who is struggling

If you have a friend or loved one who is struggling with depression or anxiety, you may not be sure how to handle the situation. Many times you can tell that your loved ones are hurting even if they don’t say anything. But even if they tell you about it, what could you do? How do you make them feel better? Few of us have really been taught how to talk about feelings. So, we usually rely on platitudes or criticism that we consider “tough love.”

• “Look at the positive -- you have so many things going for you.”

• “Try writing a gratitude list every day -- it will teach you to be grateful for what you have.”

• “Other people have it so much worse.”

• “Why don’t you try exercising regularly? Endorphins improve your mood.”

• “You never should have done (whatever that person has done that you think is bad). Now you’re stuck.”

• “Everybody has problems. You suck it up and deal with it instead of moping around and whining.”

• “Why don’t you make a list of everything you have to do and get yourself organized -- then you’ll clear your head.” 

• “You should try meditating. I meditate and it always makes me feel better.”

• “You shouldn’t be anxious about that -- what’s the big deal?”

• And on and on…

All of those are well-intentioned statements. Some of them are even good advice. And yet, more often than not, what you’re saying doesn’t help the other person at all. They keep feeling depressed or anxious; they keep doing the things that are bad for them; they don’t take your advice. It’s very discouraging. 

At first look, this seems way too complicated. How can you help someone who doesn’t take any of your advice?

And yet, if you slow down and think about it, the answer is almost obvious. Like with every other problem in the world, you can only offer a solution if/when you truly understand what the problem is. 

If you think about it, we don’t usually solve problems without first finding out what the problem is. 

• If you bring a car to the mechanic, the mechanic doesn’t say “You should replace the battery” without checking to see what the actual problem is. The battery might be totally fine and the issue might be another part of the engine. 

• If you go to a medical doctor, the doctor won’t prescribe you an antibiotic without first checking to see if you have an infection. What if you actually have diabetes? What’s the antibiotic going to do?

And yet, with a mood disorder, we jump straight to what we think of as the solution. We don’t even realize that we have no idea what problem we’re trying to solve. 

• For example, you might tell someone to make a gratitude list without realizing that that person is overwhelmed with guilt and shame about their privilege. Making a gratitude list will only exacerbate their guilt, which will in turn exacerbate the depression.

• Or, you’re telling a person that they shouldn’t worry about whatever specific thing you think is not a big deal, but you have no idea why this person is feeling that worry. They might actually have a very good reason. Or they might have a history of trauma that they’ve never gotten help for and the worry is a symptom of that.

• Or you might tell someone to exercise without realizing that one of the symptoms of depression is lethargy or what professionals call “psychomotor retardation.” Would you tell someone with pneumonia that they should eat more when one of their symptoms is decreased appetite? You don’t force them to eat more -- you treat the pneumonia that is causing the decreased appetite! Then they’ll eat more. Same with depression -- you treat the depression first. And then they will be much more likely to exercise.

• Or, you might advise someone to meditate, something that can be very helpful for many people. However, depending on what's going on with a person, meditation may not be appropriate at all. There is actually research that shows meditation can have the opposite effect for some people and make them worse, not better. (https://www.verywellhealth.com/mindfulness-can-be-harmful-researchers-say-5186740)

In short, unless you truly understand what’s going on with someone and have some knowledge about how to treat it, try to refrain from giving advice. It will rarely work, and sometimes it can cause more harm.

Having told you so much about what to do, let’s talk a bit about what you can do.

More often than not, feeling depressed is not a ‘solvable’ problem. Many times even the person who is depressed cannot answer the question “why?” They might say that they really have no idea. So, don’t get stuck in asking “why.” 

Instead, let that person know that you are there to listen. That’s it. You want to know what it feels like for them, where it hurts, and if they need anything you can provide them. You’d be surprised how often people will say, “just knowing that you’re here for me is enough.” 

In the end, your job is much easier than you realize. All you have to do is acknowledge and validate your loved one’s experience. You can’t “fix” someone’s grief, but you can be with them in that grief and acknowledge that their pain is understandable. You can’t “fix” someone’s worry that even they don’t understand; you can be with them and acknowledge that worrying makes things more stressful. You can’t “fix” someone’s depression -- they don’t even understand it, how could you? You can just acknowledge that depression feels awful and you will try to help in any way that they would find helpful. 

And, of course, like with any other condition, what will make the biggest difference is for people to get professional help. A good therapist will help the person truly understand what’s going on with them and will know exactly what to do to help them heal. 

The second best thing you can do for your loved one (first one still being validating & supporting without judgment) is to encourage them to seek therapy and maybe help them find a therapist. 

However, be mindful to not be pushy. No matter how much you think they need the treatment (and how right you are), if they are not ready for it, they will not go. And you can still love and support them without taking on the burden of healing them. 

I hope all this was helpful and valuable to learn. More to come in future posts.